The Breaking

“We must free ourselves of the hope that the sea will ever rest. We must learn to sail in high winds."-Aristotle Onassis 

This quote is something I have pondered on. It is profound in the sense that it is so simple yet does not lack depth. This world does not stop, it keeps going. Sometimes it feels as if the waves will never calm, but in the storm we learn to brave the ferocious waves. We become resilient to them, and we now know what to do when another storm hits. We would all but lack this knowledge if we had never faced a storm before…

I think I must have tried to type these words a thousand times. How does one share the most vulnerable parts of themselves? How does one find the words? Being vulnerable and opening up my heart is not something that comes naturally or easily for me. How does one even begin to share their story? I suppose you just have to start somewhere. Take that first step and have faith. So here I am, typing and praying my words are eloquent yet raw enough. I know I’m not alone in my struggles, and I know all of the pain serves some sort of purpose. So my hopes in sharing the depths of my heart is that maybe it touches yours… that you read with an open heart, and perhaps it give you a new perspective. I hope you find my words encouraging. I hope by the end you feel a little less alone and a lot more seen, because you are. You are seen, you are loved and you are an important part of creation.

I want to first say thank you, whoever you are, for taking the time to read my blog. Whether we are friends, you follow me on social media or someone sent this to you. No matter how you find yourself on my blog today, I want you to know that I’m grateful for you and maybe its no coincidence you are here. A little background, I started this blog almost two years ago. I started it in the middle of some excruciating circumstances going on in my life. I started it with the hopes of being a light in the darkness. A place full of encouragement and a safe space for all who stumble upon it. I wanted a space to lift others up and to encourage those who read the words I write. A place where I could use the things that I’ve been through to help anyone who needs it. To take my hurt and turn it into purpose. If you find yourself on any of my blog posts, I hope it's this one. I hope it's this one because whether or not you can relate to the things I'm going through or not, I know at least once in your life you’ve experienced hard times. I want you to know that you aren’t alone. No matter how hard things get, there’s always hope. Even if it doesn’t seem like it in these suffocating moments.

Unfortunately in this vast human experience we must walk through every chapter of our lives. There’s no skipping, and there’s no reading ahead. We must brace it all. I’ll be the first to admit that there have been many times in the past 3 years I wish I could have skipped, erased or rewritten. To say that the past 2 years have been a bit of an excruciating season would be the least. I have passed through some of the darkest days I have ever had to in the 24 years I have been alive. I have experienced pain in ways I would never wish on anyone. Even so, I am here and I am still fighting.

A little over three years ago I started having some uncomfortable symptoms pop up in my body. Brain fog to the degree It felt as if I was in a constant dream, struggling to remember anything or be present. Trying my hardest to focus and not dissociate. With that I realized I was waking up feeling utterly exhausted. No matter how much I would sleep or rest, I was chronically fatigued. This caused some pretty major lifestyle changes. I had to start slowing down, and for someone who strived on hustle culture along with working out every single day (sometimes multiple times a day), it wasn’t easy. A few months later I started experiencing unexplainable anxiety and panic attacks. To the degree I was having an utter psychotic break. The stress then turned into muscle spasms and I couldn’t move my neck. I couldn’t drive, I couldn’t do much, and I was riddled with anxiety. All of this prompted me to visit a thousand different doctors, that ran a thousand different tests and took a thousand tubes of blood. All of which lead to no answers, and thus no solutions. 

My life seemingly changed overnight. My days were now filled with going from doctor to doctor and It was starting to make me feel crazy. Still leading to absolutely zero answers.  This can make anyone feel completely and utterly hopeless. I had no answers, and I was having multiple panic attacks a day. I wasn’t sleeping and I was too nauseous to eat. I started to look in the mirror and not even recognize myself. I didn’t want to be alive. They eventually sent me to physical therapy and I slowly started to get my range of motion back. I remember coming home in such excruciating pain, all I could do was cry on the floor and beg God to take this from me. I was in a constant pit of despair and anger. “Why was this happening? Why would God allow all of this? Was I being punished? Why me?”

In the midst of all of this, I started to experience more and more autoimmune symptoms. I had eczema all over my body, to the degree my doctors were convinced I had vitiligo. I was breaking out into rashes on the daily. I Had chronic joint/muscle stiffness and pain., debilitating migraines, hair thinning, pain in my hands, new food allergies popping up daily and uncontrollable panic attacks. My anxiety was spiraling and I felt completely out of control of my body. There were weeks where I would experiencing non-stop anxiety attacks and I couldn’t explain them. All I could do was lay on the floor and cry. I didn’t understand what was happening to my body. I felt Incredibly out of control. I couldn’t escape and I didn’t want to live.

My depression got so bad, to the point I didn’t even recognize myself. I isolated myself from the world for 6 months. I spent most of my days crying in my car, begging God to give me some answers. I felt stuck in the fog, unable to see anything surrounding me. I felt distant and isolated from my friends and family, even though they constantly pursued me, loved on me, and helped me stand when I felt weak. They cried with me and stood by my side lovingly. I am truly thankful for you. You are what helped me want to live through this, and I can’t express my gratitude enough for encouraging me to stay strong. 

I didn’t understand this at the time but I was being shaped. The parts of me that could no longer be apart of me were being burned away. I was and am still being refined, molded. The pieces of me that no longer served me were being ripped from me, until I was just pieces scattered on the floor. I was slowly and carefully being rebuilt into someone that could not so easily be broken again. I realized that I had abused most things in my life. That maybe this didn’t kill me, that just maybe God used it to save me. I woke up and I was forced to change. From putting all of my identity in things that were physically killing me, to putting my identity in the One who created me. I had been stuffing things inside and running for far too long and my body had had enough. My eyes began to open and I realized that no matter how many times I considered death as an option, I was still here. I still chose to push through. To crawl on the days I couldn’t stand. To continue through the fire even when every inch of me was being burned. This season didn’t killed me. It curated a strength within me and I know now that I can get through the adversity. The pain was absolutely necessary for my growth. I could no longer stay the same. So today, I am thankful for the breaking, because without the breaking I would still be the fragile house that was built on stone.

I got diagnosed this past year with Lyme disease. As scary as a diagnoses can be I was incredibly thankful to finally have an answer. I’m still learning and Im still growing. Not everyday has been easy and it won’t be. But I have determined to get better. I am doing my research and I’m committed to healing inside and out. I want to share my journey with you and open up my world to you so that you may be encouraged. I won’t stop until I get more answers. I am going to be sharing a lot more with you guys, because sometimes you have to heal out loud so that others don’t have to suffer in silence. So as I learn more, I will also be sharing my knowledge because this is a very serious disease that can be prevented and I believe, cured. Everyone's body is different, but I do believe healing is possible.  I don’t know what you’re going through, or what journey you’re on… but you are not alone. Stay encouraged and hopeful. We may not understand the things that happen to us, but my life is a testimony to the fact that the pain has a bigger purpose.

"I have told you these things so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have trials and sorrows of many kind. but take heart, because I have overcome the world." (John 16:33)

There were days I didn’t know how or if I was going to get through. Days where all I could do was weep. Days where my anxiety was out of control. Days when I didn’t want to get out of bed. I kept going, and slowly my mindset began to shift. No one was going to do the work for me. No one was going to fix this for me. I had to keep moving forward. I had to make a choice. Healing is hard, but so is staying the same. You have to choose. I will tell you that healing is excruciating, but every bit of it is worth it. We don’t always understand why some things happen, but i'll tell you that it will do you no good to dwell on the why but instead the “what.” What am I being called to do in the midst? This season has been a whirlwind of emotions. I have felt alone, out of control, devastated and broken. Maybe we have to break, because without the breaking, there is no molding. Without breaking there is no healing. Something stronger is being built so that the next time a tornado comes, we won’t be swept up so easily. 

I want to be honest and tell you, I still have hard days. I still struggle with pain and anxiety and chronic exhaustion. I have my good days and days where I flare up. I sill feel lost sometimes and alone. I am by no means telling you I am fully healed, only that things have gotten better. I take the steps I have to, to feel as good as I can and a significant part of that is my mindset. When I started focusing on my my thoughts, my life began to change exponentially. It was not a walk in the park to get to where I am today but I continue to choose healing. I continue to seek the good. I continue to let go of the things that no longer serve me.

     I hope my story encourages you to keep fighting. To keep pushing through, even when every bone in your body wants to quit. When you’ve had all you can take, keep going. Even if you’re crawling to the finish line. Your story isn’t finished and there is so much Joy waiting for you, even in the midst there is still joy. There is still so much ahead of you. So take a deep breath and release the tension in your body. One step at a time. 

I want to invite you along to be apart of my journey. I know there’s more work to do and I’m ready to share both the positive and the uncomfortable moments. Thank you to everyone who got this far, thank you for reading my words. I hope they have had some weight. 

With all my love, 

Bee